How to Feel Num
by Amateur Sleeper
Summary: Not all experiences are good ones. After Jessi's apparent suicide, Kyle is left unable and confused on what his emotions should be. A missing idea of where "Leap of Faith" left off.
1. Chapter 1

**Jessi appears to have committed suicide, leaving Kyle to adjust to this new experience. But unlike his other ones, he know this is one that he definitely doesn't want. More to follow with reviews please!**

As she looked over to him one last time, hiding the tears on her face, she smiled. And then she jumped.

Kyle, amazed and shocked, tried to grab for her, tried to help her. But he could not.

(VO) _There was never a time in my life when I questioned my ability to help people. I tried my best to learn humanity and emotions, to try and be the best person that I was destined to be. And yet, standing here and failing at that very action to save her, gave me no reaction. I was num. _

Kyle prepared himself to jump down and save her, when suddenly he was thrown back by a large force. Foss had flung himself at Kyle.

"Kyle, Kyle, KYLE, stop! Even you couldn't have survived that fall. You need to get back to your family. Now," Foss said.

"Is she…"

"I said now. Your family is in danger. Go."

Kyle walked toward the car, confusion and bewilderment at what he saw. He drove towards the Tragers.

_For the first time in my life I did not analyze what happened. I did not try and to explain what happened. I wanted nothing more than to just stop feeling. I repeated formulas and scientific discoveries, thought of historic battles, and dared not to even say her name. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to have just stayed in my pod, free of emotion. But first, I had to tell them everything. Almost everything._

Kyle arrives at the front door of the Trager's, unable to open the door. He hestitates and then reaches for the door knob. The Trager's, surrounding the foyer of the house rush to the attention of Kyle's homecoming.

"Thank God you're alright! We were so worried," uttered Nicole, moments away from breaking down.

"Yeah, buddy. Where were you? Why did you leave And where is Jessi?" questioned Josh.

Kyle became pale at the name. "I am ready," he sighed, "to tell you everything, but please just let me talk, no interruptions."

Steven and Lori exchanged a father-daughter moment and moved towards the dining room, with Josh and Nicole behind. Nicole gave an encouraging, yet confused smile.

_This was all I had wanted for months, to come clean, to tell them of who I was. And I told them everything that I could. The experiment, Adam, the faux parents, my connection with her, how Foss had protected me from harm since I had escaped the pod, Zzzyyx, Madacorp. But I could not tell them about what she did, and what I failed to do. I could not tell them how Jessi had betrayed me, and then killed herself for me. When I finished explaining most of the truth, I anxiously looked at them—my family. But would they still accept me?_

Josh was the first to speak. "That was way cooler than anything I could have ever come up with."

"Well of course, because that would require you to have an ounce of creativity or intelligence up your sleeve," retorted Lori.

"How can it be up his sleeve, he is wearing a t-shirt?" asked Kyle.

"It's just an expression," replied both Steven and Lori, smiling at each other afterwards.

"So what do we do now?" asked Steven.

"Now I go to my tub and think of what to do, while you process this. I know it cannot be easy, and I understand that you will need time. Thank you." Kyle left for his room, gladly escaping the further lies.

The rest of the Trager's had dispersed to the kitchen or their rooms. Nicole, meanwhile, suspected something wasn't right. She knew Kyle could never lie to her before today, but now she realized that something just was right with him. He seemed so… tired and concerned.

In a gentle and light tone, "Kyle, is everything alright?"

_Nicole had always known what I was feeling. I suppose she knew that I had kept something else hidden. But this was mine to sort out, and she needn't yet know. Jessi's suicide had left a mark on me that will never go away... This was real, and I was too sure that I could not control myself if I showed what I felt. What did I even feel? _

"It's been a long day is all." Kyle then walked into his room, shut the lights off, and sat in his tub. When Nicole had vanished, the room was silent. All except for the silent tears dropping on his hand.


	2. Chapter 2

(VO) _It had been eight hours, thirty minutes, and seventeen seconds since I had seen her die. And it had been three hours, twenty-five minutes, and eleven seconds since I had told the Trager's good night from a long day of revealing my secrets. Well, most of them. _

Kyle was lying in his tub, plaid bottoms, white shirt, and his Latnok ring over his neck. The moonlight covered half of his face with lightness. His eyes were closed lightly, and though his body looked at peace, his mind proved otherwise.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly for Kyle, he heard a howl against his window. He opened his eyes to find the window open. Groggily, he walked to his window to shut. He turned around and saw Jessi sitting upright in his tub.

"I didn't lie when I said it was cozy," she smiled.

Kyle's face lit emotion, ranging from shock to happiness to confusion in a matter of two seconds. He halted his desire to run to her. "You're not her" he sighed, but stated it rather as a question than a statement.

"Maybe," she said playfully.

"But you are here, in my mind at least. So my subconscious must want to figure this out."

A beat passes. Unsure of what he should say, he tells her the first thing he could think of. "It has been eight hours, thirty-two minutes, and forty-nine seconds since I saw you jump."

Jessi wrinkles her nose and tries to suppress a smile. "You know what's funny? You and I are always concerned with time. How long this takes, how long has it been, how long will it be. I suppose that is because when you have so few memories, as we do, you want to document every second of everything."

Jessi stands and exits the tub to look out the window. She turns solemnly, "No matter how awful."

Kyle, staring at her the entire time, briefly glances away and then back to her.

"I'm sorry." He pauses. "I didn't save you," he whispers. Kyle is moments from crying, but he manages to speak clearly. "I should have made you stop, helped you more, done something—"

"You tried. Kyle that is all you can do. Try." She clears her throat to speak, but pauses. "But tell me this: what are you feeling?"

"I do not know. I have never felt this before. It's… different."

"You have felt sadness before though. When you had to leave the Trager's to learn about who you really were. And when Adam died. Even though it proved to be untrue, you still thought it was." Jessi sat there, her chin resting on her arms, waiting patiently for his response.

Kyle looked at her intensely. "This is different. I…"

"You are grieving Kyle. You couldn't have known what was to happen to Adam. Yet you knew I would do something drastic after I betrayed you." Jessi straightened up. "But there is something else."

Kyle looked almost guilty as he muttered, "Yes—I am not feeling anything but torn. I am happy that my secrets are no longer hidden from those who I love. I am happy I am with Amanda." Jessi's eyes roll. "And I should be thinking of how I lied and said you ran away instead of killing yourself. On how I am going to take down Madacorp tomorrow. But I am not. I just think of nothing. Except you and how I could have saved you."

A moment of silence.

"You are not just talking about the fall are you?" Jessi said. She smiled sweetly.

"No."

"You mean how I could have been good? How I could have turned to the right side? How you could be the one to make me whole?"

A moment passes "Yes. I didn't just fail to stop you from falling literally. I failed at making you good." Raising his voice, "I risked everything I loved for you and now you're gone. You did that! And I am angry, and sad, and I hurt all over.

"You told me that pain is the only thing that you bring to this world; well I think I can attest to that." Now Kyle is almost yelling and is crying. "You attacked Lori, you infiltrated my life, divided my house, and still I wanted to help. Because you were the only person like me. You can see the world how I can see it; you know how lonely it can be. We could have been ready for the world at hand, together. We had a connection. You broke it," His voice cracked on the last one. "And now I feel num."

A moment of silence passed between the two of them as Kyle took a few moments to catch his breathe.

"I could be alive you know," Jessi said quietly.

"That is impossible. No one could have survived that fall."

"I believe it is you who taught me hope. Why don't you try having some yourself?"

The wind howled again, and again did the window open. When he turned around this time though, she was gone.


End file.
